the only time you failed to do something is when you give up.

Process of new creative project.

 I actually had a very difficult time with her ( My creative project)  recently. I remembered beginning of summer I was thinking I wanted to write about a healing journey of my past, I ( sort of self diagnosed I have C-PTSD). I took a break from music in the summer focus on healing and doing yoga and doing writing classes with my Mentor Claire. But I was really hard for me to visualize what am I thinking about for the EP? I recorded Mioera's  album during May, and didn't really feel right for a lot of reason. I think I know why, and I am not giving up on her yet. But I am really done with the feeling of no self- autonomy and just agree and do what everyone else asked me to do be a good obeying girl. For the entire time since summer I've been on this journey of finding my-self. There's a really strong voice in my heart where I need to serve my song, not putting my ego and other ppl Judgement on them. that's my mission as the song writer more importantly as a Chinese women. But part of me also knows I have fear: I don't really know how. I don't  really know how to write drum parts, guitar parts or even mixing. My knowledge in these things are very very weak, and I am not willing to let other people do it for me. ( like it was ) on the other hand, I also don't want to sway my opinion because I think other ppl is better. I want to stand my ground, and be proud and loud about what I want. This is MY MUSIC, AND THIS IS WHAT I WANT. So it's been fun learning all these things, opened up my mind and make me very humble. and also really grateful for friends who helped me. I am forever a student of music. 

through out this entire journey of writing since I'll say July-Nov. 5 month. I wrote a lot of songs that I am super proud of,  bc they are mine. I can slowly feel myself more in them, they are very very close to me. ( the older songs are close to me too, tbh) I didn't superimpose my idea on them, they were just naturally flowing in me. And maybe around Oct, I finally know what this whole album is about , the whole concept of it ( I am not gonna spoil it you will know) but I can't express how scary it feels, bc all of it from the top to bottom in this one is ME. All me, for the first time in life where I decided to putting all of me in art no coverage. The reason I decided to do it also bc, I think the past lowkey 10 years in my life is a whole mess. since 15, and I hardly could even speak about any of them using words. but I want to, put that in a container and move on. and unfortunately they are so personal, it's hard to collaborate with ppl that I don't feel safe. 

and ofc, when I spent hours on them. it feels really scary to face this. to face the hate I had toward myself. to face all these doubt I had in me, am I good enough to do this? do I deserve to speak my mind in music? am I being selfish? ( till nowadays I still have  to battle with these thoughts that I implanted in my heart from criticism ) 

The fact I know is, if I don't do this as my ritual. I will never ever, get over it. This feeling off guilt and hate will constantly come back. and I want to treat her ( my past ) with my patient and love. sat down, face them, and burry her and you know move on with love. 

but in the midst of doing this, is difficult. VERY  DIFFICULT!!! A lot of silence work lots of tears lots of sleepless night thinking about this. 

But I am not giving up on the journey of finding my autonomy finding my way. despite ppl put me down millions of time. I will not give up. the only time you failed to do something is when you give up. 

But maybe, a little break away from it is also necessary during healing. :) go out side, walk and breath.. 

anws, if ur reading this, I hope you don't give up on whatever you are working on too. 

With love, 

Natsui