different ways of hearing

 I had been kinda thinking abt this flaws I had in music also was something I think am really proud of sometimes. sense of melody. 

I always felt like every culture has their own sense of melody and rhythmical feel. I remembered when I started learning music, my rhythm is very straight my sense of phrase is very melodic based rather than rhythmical, which my first teacher told me you sound too Chinese. ( which in that period of time, I think sounding Chinese is a bad thing. that means I have no musical talent.) for the longest time learning western music to me felt like escapism, because I don't wanna sound Chinese. it's bad to sound Chinese. and later on this insecurity became how I look and how I talk. I have accent, and my skin isn't pale enough, and etc. a lot of things. ppl on the internet kept talking abt East Asian women are constantly anxious etc. like there's nothing absolutely nothing good abt us represent on the internet. 

then I think one day I started realizing something in my music, for the first few years of writing I really really felt ashamed abt it. I wrote really long phrases, and no repetition. even with harmony, I hear resolution In a very very different way. I didn't like to finish my song going back home, bc I felt different abt it. I heard harmony like melody, harmony is not that important if a melody exist harmony exist, to me harmony doesn't exist just as company of melody but it is melody, rhythm to me is also melody. Ik teachers had told me abt the way I wrote is kinda.. not right,  it was just genuinely heard things this way. then I think one day, I was thinking abt why. it was bc the music I grew up with. Chinese music is a completely based on melody. everything is melody. rhythm you can sing the rhythm with tone, and we don't have harmony. ( I'll talk abt it later) and the tone is coming from words. words is the music, music is the words. (it's a tonal language)  therefore it does't repeat like how western music would repeat. ( this kind of reminding me of you know 1 isn't always 1 in African music. I had such hard time finding it- every culture has their own relationship to music )  

(nanyin notation)

a lot of my songs, even in indie context, I still write it the way I heard it. swhich, isn't conventional. and remembered, my teacher once told me have I considered this is too much material. u can't use this harmony this way. and make me considered yes, ok I think the way I write is too Chinese I need to get rid of it. he said you can think abt melody the way u think, but not the harmony. I'd  try really hard to change, but somehow I still can't cuz genuinely I felt it this way. it wasn't I tried to write extremely long sections and constant change. it's so easy for me to remember these chords bc they r just melody to my ear.  I had this thought in my brain should I keep doing this or should I stop. I started felt really nervous to show teacher my music, cuz I afraid teacher see this Chinese part of me. I am learning western music I need to learn it the right way. I still don't know abt the answer tbh.i am learning it the right way, but things will just popped up. 

but I remembered similar things happened with my voice too, my Chinese teacher will told me I have no talent in singing bc I have an asian voice aka soft and light and bright. which I do, and I made attempted to change and seriously hurt my voice. 

this leads to a question I had. self-exoticism and internalised racism. because think abt this, why is melodic and rhythm based music considered not civilized for western music standard? everything has to have harmony in it, and my hot take. is harmony can form in so many different way. Ornette Coleman created harmony thru melody and rhythm. it's equal. it's not superior. same should go everything. it's equal. 

ofc I am not saying learning existed theory and concept isn't important. it obviously is very otherwise I won't be in school for so long. but I often time felt this way, I need to sound American, I need to try. to change. and when I can't change I felt fundamentally wrong, bc it's true I won't sound or look or act or talk American I will never. and this used to be my biggest problem bc it felt like whenever ppl criticise my music ( which is fine now I felt ok) I'd immediately think it's bc I am chinese and I will never sound good bc the thing they critics abt are all bc my "chinese ear" 

but thru out this unlearn, and listen and discovery music from the world around different culture. I opened up another door of openmind-ness toward understanding ppl but also music. sometimes when you hear ppl act differently (especially different culture) you might not knowing the full pic of what was their background like. before you started judging, maybe spend more time understanding. and not jump into conclusion of superiority.

but also after understood this part, I think it's ok to be yourself. no matter what It meant.

 this is just my thoughts, and I felt more inclined to accept new knowledge and concept when I know who I am and why I am this way. I can change it if I want to, but I don't hate it as I used to do anymore.