it's an end and a beginning of something

I shaved my head yesterday and this was the dream I had since I was16. I've always curious about how I would look like completely bald. But I can't, I unfortunately have very  controlling parents that will tell me that my body is theirs I have to have their approval to have different hair color, short hair, or piercings or tattoo. And the answer has always been no.  this wasn't like a "revenge"  thing for me, it actually meant a lot to me because every time I make my own decision I have more self autonomy. Ofc, there are lots of other reasons I have thought about before this. 

The biggest one is: let go. it's random but I was watching this video of an idol who have the exact same hair color and style since debut. and her hair is severely damaged bc she would bleach it all the time to keep the look that audience love the most. And I felt like I have empathy toward that, because sometimes when you find something that is really good.  ( a hair cut that looks good on you, a men u thought u love, a decision you think is gonna beneficial to you  etc.) you want to keep them, you want them to stay. like this example, despite it hurts her hair she would still keep it. I experience this so much  in my life in lots of aspect. For instance beauty standard: if I found a good hair cut or style of cloth on me, I would wanna stay that way for maybe years. Despite,  I wanted to change to new things try new style but I hold on to it because I know it's a safe option that I will look good in these and I didn't wanna let it go. not that I have to change it, but I slowly noticed that I have this obsession over  "good" things. and at certain point it became very scary, because you form a huge amount of attachment to it.  like what if  my skin change, what if I lost my hair etc everything could happen and everything could change and this perfect look/ life I created became anxiety. I wanna keep everything the same. Even with friendship, relationships, with work, aesthetic etc. once you find something satisfying and comfortable, inevitably you wanna keep it like that. But the fact is, things always come and gos, no matter how tight you hold on to it, it will change. so I wanted to try this, what if just let go. Let go of ppl changing, let go of me changing. And maybe let things flow on it's own welcome new possibility that comes in, and say goodbye to the old things. It's liberating to finally putting down the weight of I have to "TRY" to make things work and make sure they r in places. cuz it doesn't matter, life is too short to not be brave. if you wanna do something, you should just do it. It might seem scary, but you only live once, you are not immortal.( this is not just for hair cut, it's kinda a reflection on life.) 

the second reason is related to femininity  and gender issues. I felt like whenever I brought up this idea of shave bald. family gets so upset. I know why, because people normally think about hair as a feminine feature and as women I have to be a certain way. growing up I've always hated dresses, but was forced to wear them all the time. Would always get commented as not girly enough. So after 14( I got  really into anime) I started working so hard to be a girl. Trust me, all I think about everyday is how can I be prettier. I  spent time research about hair style, dresses, skin care etc. I spent all my time trying to be pretty so I can please my bf that time. but I never felt  enough, I felt like there're just something in me that is not girly. I am very forward person, I am loud, am very enthusiastic and ADHD etc. but I thought I would hide all of them, to be a good GF. I will be soft, and have love brain, and be good at cooking, and just be the good girl that moms and guys like. that's not what I want, but was something I grew up with. A women's best currency is their look and their age. As all of my friend started get married and have babies. my mom and dad got so anxious about me being single, whenever they called me mom always asked me to dress better and be pretty in front of people. OFC I can try, but I started asking why? why does my value tide with men, and based on how they commented me? I've living my entire life, thinking about and scared about how they would comment me. ( even in music, I got bad comment from men during sessions. and made me almost  just quit music )  Not even mention, how many times I have to be the mediator to comfort their  emotions first , make sure the guys in the group is not upset. And not speak up about how I feel. I felt like this feeling had been choking me for a long time and I became very anxiously attached too. Because all my values were based on what my partner thinks of me.  And it just became very messy and upsetting and honestly not blaming any one. I think something needs to change, and I don't think patriarchy is going to change, but I can change. Not that shave bald will solve this, but I think I want to have self autonomy and relook at how these societal value had shaped me in the past.  ( I also just really encourage ppl to think about how society shaped you, not letting it out just as purely just anger and blame bc we are all victim, and also not being like this is who I am I have been like this for my entire life. You can change if  you want, and you can make a difference to the world to the system's oppression.) 

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, it is ok for a woman to shave bald it's not bc I am going thru a idk breakup or something. I am happy and content. I just wanna have no hair, and it's normal!!!  

I am always happy to hear and talk about this kind of things with anyone who's interested!!!  :) 

love, 

natsui