what sex meant to me

 

被揉拧成一团的床单轻轻遮住了我的双眼

陌生的距离变得不那么遥远

触电般的颤抖和棉花一般的触感

身体是有记忆的

我小心地回想过去

被解开的衣服滑落身体

但我不能理解镜子里的自己

为什么糊成了一团

像是爬满虫卵的花束

晚会过后便被唾弃在路边

而为此我却不停地道歉 

Twisted linen clouds my sight―

 nearness folds into static.

Velvet nerves spark,

cotton hush

the flesh remembers

what the mind folds 

I trace backwards through silhouettes,

unbuttoned,

a collisions against skin.

Why am I a blur, smeared and unclear,

A bouquet crawling with silent pests

got abandoned after the show

no one asked to hear.

I mouth apologies

to no one,

to everyone.

I never openly talked abt what happened to me when I was 19, and I still don't think I can and am not going to prob till the day I die. But recently whenever I thought abt this I get extremely upset and feeling a lot of shame. I think from where I grew up, sex has always been something women can't enjoy or openly talk abt, other wise you are a slut family disgrace. there're almost no modern poem or songs in Chinese are abt sex, or at least written by women openly talk abt sex. sex education almost doesn't exist. People even feel shame to just show their body. I think in order to learn abt myself, I can't escape this. but what's hard is your partner aren't always responsible. Lots people don't view sex in the way I view it. Maybe it's a pure pleasure thing which is great less pressure on everyone. but Ig , I don't know why I trusted people again and again thinking that ok maybe if I become like that I will feel better. But not really. It's not that. somedays, I catch myself feeling confused abt my femininity too. I am so scared of being weak, I created this hatred toward myself that became my biggest enemy. all of this, are patriarchy and I live in a body that I don't feel safe with. I want to read and research and write more abt sex, not bc horniness, but it is something I believe essential to self discovery and recovery.